Mother

Growing up was really hard for all of us, the flock of three sisters who hurdled and messed up things, sometimes wondered whether the society was considering us as burdens. We were not all the same, but yes, there were few similarities. Cursed, hampered in life and sharing the same unfortunate circumstances to be raised without a mother on the side. And here I stop like a summer migrated bird, flying in the relentless sky reticently- does it make sense? Birds don't fear, don't equate the height with fright; they fear inhumanity that can come and touch them making lives hell.

So this is how my life starts entering the invariable misery and suffering- I was not killed or tortured ruthlessly in some military camp, jihads or something nor there was money crisis; what I lacked was the proper attention of love that one needed. The bread for stomach can be left behind for the soul food: love, affection, affirmation, someone to live for. Left in the middle of nowhere, to walk on such a big path, for two 6-year-old kids and a just grown up teenager is really a big dilemma for the young minds. They look for the similar faces but do they reckon any? Long ago, one fine day, luck played this trick that we would recognise as our bane, our nightmare.

If there is anyone in the world a child loves most, it is her mother. In this cryptic universe when tiny toddlers open their eyes the person to be seen first, fearfully looking among all the protruded heads, is that women whose love for us increases as days pass and life changes. I have never wondered about the miracle of birth. Sometimes, it does bring tears out of happiness to appreciate God's great gift, to the womankind. How would it really feel when your child holds your hand and smiles tenderly? We would also know it one day, we'll be mothers as well and will always try level best to grow our up children as proper human beings.

But such feelings, for my part no longer exist. Not that I can hug her and pick my stray hair off her cheeks; she doesn't pray for me to pass my exams, not anymore, nor does she tie my hair into a bun. Life without her is meaningless and how do I carry on with it? But they say life has a way deeper meaning that just 'death'. The going of a single person doesn't stop you from living, it always goes on, and so would mine here. But some lacking always stays and no longer do you have the urge to resist. This is what happened to me at first. It came like a howling storm in my life and tore everything apart….

A murky afternoon with the sun set high above the mountains that reflect a grey daylight shadow in the skies. It was 29 June, 2000 when I happily sung out my lungs rehearsing for my musical play at school hoping to tell mom I was selected for the annual function. She would really burst into laughter and hug me tight. The school day ended and as everyone queued out. I waited very long, and when our car finally buzzed in and the 'darowan bhai' took my bag from the usual place it was positioned and yelled 'hurry up car's here'. Mommy wasn't there waiting, but maybe she had some work needed to be done.

Then it all became so uncertain and finally she left us. We hadn't counted on the prospect of it and seen the luggage being packed and unpacked many times, how they smashed and she knocked him down and went away, very far. But everything was a mere blur. My dad no longer smiled at random nor he had this broad grin, and I understood what it meant to be living without your "same-old queen". It never seemed to matter to anyone. People came and showed sympathies knowing we had lost our mother, no one really felt the pain like we did. They just came and overheard our taunts that we learned all these as motherless daughters.

Today after the long race of 7 years, its 2007, when we stand almost changed: all grown up faces, faded pains and suffering from flashbacks that come as a big force sweeping us away…with a heartburn that never really fades. But you are always there in my heart, maybe your position is slightly vague: you under a bigger, greener sky where you can see the stars shining down.